Walking with Hands Held Open

Elisabeth Elliot wrote:

"It was manifest that the anxiety that shadowed too many of my days was that I should miss the path of righteousness. Better that anxiety, perhaps, than a cavalier carelessness, but the years since have proved to me over and over again that the heart set to do the Father's will need never fear defeat. His promises of guidance may be fully counted upon. Does it make sense to believe that the Shepherd would care less about getting his sheep where He wants them to go than they care about getting there?"

Something that I've been intentionally trying to do this past week is to remember to walk with my hands held open - meaning, walking through my days in a posture of surrender. This life is not my own; it was given to me as a gift from my Father. Every good thing he gives me, I want to offer right back up to Him. This story of David is a perfect example of this:

2 Samuel 23

13 During harvest time, three of the thirty chief men came down to David at the cave of Adullam, while a band of Philistines was encamped in the Valley of Rephaim. 14 At that time David was in the stronghold, and the Philistine garrison was at Bethlehem. 15 David longed for water and said, "Oh, that someone would get me a drink of water from the well near the gate of Bethlehem!" 16 So the three mighty men broke through the Philistine lines, drew water from the well near the gate of Bethlehem and carried it back to David. But he refused to drink it; instead, he poured it out before the LORD. 17 "Far be it from me, O LORD, to do this!" he said. "Is it not the blood of men who went at the risk of their lives?" And David would not drink it.
Such were the exploits of the three mighty men.

I always get moved to tears whenever I read this story. David is seen as an enemy in the very place he called home. He probably used to drink water from the well by the gate when he was a young boy growing up in Bethlehem. All he wanted was a small taste of the comforts of home. His mighty men, being the best kinds of friends a man could ask for, risked their lives to get some for him. But David sets an example for all future generations of what it means to walk through life with hands held open - and pours out the water as an offering to God. He gives back the very thing that would provide him with so much joy and comfort, trusting that God would provide for all his needs. How beautiful.

As I walk through this transitional time in life, it is easy, in my desire for stability, to grab a hold of something - anything - and act likes its mine to manipulate, enjoy, and cherish, instead of offering it back up to my Savior. I hope and desire and pray that my heart's posture would mirror that of David, and ultimately, Jesus, who prayed, "not my will, but yours be done."

Changes...

Well...seeing it's been way too long since I've written on my blog, I figure a little update is in order:

I am back at school in Tennessee and the last of the autumn leaves are falling off the branches.  It's such a wonderful time to be here - Bryan is in a valley so on either side the hills are just on fire and it is so beautiful. But as with every season - change must come, and I feel the tug of winter's wind as I walk outside now.  Pretty soon all the leaves will be gone, which will usher in one of my favorite times of the year - Christmas time!  

The semester only has five more weeks left in it and crunch time is upon me (funny how I'm writing in my blog during crunch time...) papers, projects, and final assignments are piling up, but I'm managing to keep my head above water :)

I am looking intensely toward the future right now - I'm graduating in May of 2010!!!  I've been really wrestling with what it means to know the will of God and how to walk in obedience - especially when there are big decisions ahead with no clear direction in sight.

Someone who has been such an encourager and such an amazing blessing in my life during this time is my boyfriend, Jake.  I met him last semester at the Focus on the Family Institute - and can I just say, most amazing young man I've ever met.  His heart is so hard after God, he's such an encourager, and he really pushes me to ask the hard questions as I journey through this transitional year.  I am so thankful for the blessing he is in my life.

Jake and Me :)

I am so thankful that our God is faithful when we are so faithless.  My heart desires intimacy with my King, but so often I fall short of seeking Him with the passion that I desire to.  I want my life to be a continual journey of knowing Him and being transformed into his image.  Life is so good - and such an adventure.  

Artwork!

Remember this picture?

When I was at Focus, I had a favorite Starbucks I would go to that had a fantastic view of the Rocky Mountains.  It's where I would go to journal, read, think, or hang out with friends.  This particular Starbucks showcased a lot of local artists' work, including the picture below.  I loved it so much for it's simplicity and the colors, so I took a picture of it and posted it on this blog.

Fast-forward to the end of the semester: I decided to buy a canvas to create a piece of artwork that encapsulated my time at Focus.  I was hoping to make the piece artwork before I left FFI, but things just got too busy.  So here I am, at home, the summer's coming to an end, and I realize I still have a blank canvas.

As I was trying to think of what my inspiration should be for my artwork, my mind went back to the painting in Starbucks.  And I went from there!

The original had words that had little meaning to me, so while the picture is very similar to the original, the words are my own.  The first picture is the original in Starbucks, and the last is my finished product!

At Focus, we learned that God is Truth - he is Ultimate Reality.  He is the source of life - everything in this world springs from Him.  If we have our roots firmly established in Truth, then we can obey Jesus' command in John 15:6 to "go and bear fruit."  My time at Focus was very equipping, and now this picture will always remind me to take what I've learned, the Truth that I've gained, and go and bear fruit.  While at the same time reminding me of my beloved Colorado Springs Starbucks :)  

It's been a while since I've created art like this, so I see a lot of room for improvement.  But now that I've gotten back into it, I'm inspired to do more.  

What do I wanna be when I grow up?

Times are a-changin'.  It's funny how when you get to a certain time in your life (a.k.a. soon to graduate college) you find yourself asking that age-old question: "what do I wanna be when I grow up?"  When the endless frontier of school is no longer stretching out before me, it means I have some options.  And I find myself entering into a whole new adventure.  Really, the possibilities are endless.  I could end up in California or back in the South - or maybe, even in another country!  Who knows!  As I ponder this question and ask random people what they think I should be when I grow up (I mean, someone's gotta tell me ;), I keep coming back to the question: what do I really like - and not just like, but what am I passionate about?

First of all, I am passionate about kids, of all ages.  Anywhere from about 3 to college age.  I am working in the youth group at my church right now, and worked with missionary kids last summer in Slovakia, and loved it.  I feel like working with kids or young adults may be in my future at some point.

I also love communicating in front of large groups.  I used to compete in public speaking in elementary school all the way to my senior year in High School and LOVED it.  I have had a few opportunities to speak in front of groups at Bryan (particularly women) and have LOVED those times too.  Whenever I am able to teach people something or impart something that God has taught me to a group, I feel like I am doing exactly what I'm meant to do.  Teaching maybe?

I love writing.  Ever since I could hold a pencil, I have wrote short stories (including the "Heather" series when I was 7), written in journals and diaries, and now, blogging is my new outlet (although I would never give up my old fashioned, personal journal).  I have also gotten more into writing letters to people.  I believe letter writing is a lost art - you can keep letters forever, they are fun to receive, and you can never accidently delete them :).  They are probably more fun for me to write than they are for people to receive them!  Writing, maybe?

I love the arts.  I love leading worship, crafts, decorating, art projects, good music, cooking, all of it!  I always feel super satisfied when I am able to add an artistic touch to whatever it is that I am doing.

I love hospitality.  Having people to my dorm room, meeting people for coffee, and living a lifestyle that says, "come talk to me.  I have time for you!"  I don't know how this shows itself in a job, but whatever I do, if it involves people, I will be happy!

I love Biblical studies - my major!  I love digging into the Word and finding truths for my life that I can also encourage others with.  There is nothing more satisfying than those rare moments when I feel like "a Berean" - searching out the scriptures and doing the hard work to make sure what I'm believe is true.  I'm still learning how to do this (it will be a life-long journey) but God's Word is so rich and never grows old!  If I could spend my whole life growing in my passion for God's Word and imparting my passion and what I learn to others, that would be the ultimate.  But how?

I don't expect to have "the answer" anytime soon, or ever, for that matter.  I believe my life will be a mosaic of different opportunities that God will graciously bring along my path at the right time.  As Jim Elliot was always so faithful to point out, "there is nothing more adventurous than being in the will of God (paraphrase)."  It's fun to be in a time of life where I can dream and think about these things and wait for what God will do.  I'm already praying for His will to be done in my life and that He would bring about the right opportunities at the right time.  What a cool time of life :)

A Time of Training

Ever since I've been home from FFI, my question has been, "Lord, I just experienced the most amazing, equipping semester of my life.  And here I am.  Home.  Doing online classes.  Now what Lord???!!!"  I've definitely been bit by "the restless bug" again, longing for some great assignment from my Master.  Recently, I've had clarity from my King about what this time at home means and why it is so important.

The clarity came from 1 Corinthians 9:24-27:

"Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize?  Run in such a way as to get the prize.  Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training.  They do it to get a crow that will not last; but we do it to get a crown that will last forever.  Therefore I do not run like a man running aimlessly;  I do not fight like a man beating the air.  No, I beat my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified from the prize."

I italicized "strict training", because the Lord is show me that that is where he has me.  How am I supposed to run in a way to get the prize when I'm not even in shape?!  This summer so far has been such a valuable time of one-on-one training with Rabbi Jesus.  He's teaching me how to spend my time wisely, how to manage my finances, what quality time with Him looks like, how to pray, how to just sit and meditate on his Word - the list is endless!  It makes me so excited to know that this summer isn't just a meaningless "holding time" where I just have to make it through.  This summer is such a valuable, crucial time.  

Other words of encouragement have come in the form of In the Shadow of the Almighty - the Life and Testament of Jim Elliot.  Wow!  God has encouraged me so much by reading about this incredible man of faith and how he lived his short 28 years with the passion and vigor most people don't find in their entire life.  How I long to live my life for God in this way!  Here is my shameless plug: read this book!  Your life will never be the same.

 

run, Run, RUN!

This is my favorite video to watch when I feel lack-luster in my Christian walk (or maybe, I should say, hike, or run, or marathon.  Walk sounds too easy!).  I hope it fires you up like it does me every time!

Here's the link:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cizsb_GE_zc

Enjoy!

Where do I start?

Here's a pic with all my good FFI friends.  How I miss them!

Hi Friends!

I have not blogged in a good long while - too long!  I guess so much has been happening in my life and heart that I haven't felt capable of putting it all in written form.  I'm trying to get over the idea that I have to have all my thoughts together before I blog.  It's all a process :)

Well, as you may have guessed, I am back from the Focus on the Family Institute.  What a life-changing experience that was!  I met some of the dearest friends I could ever hope to make and God met me in such a deeply personal way there.  It's like he took all the deep wounds in my heart, had me look at them, then slowly began to heal them in such a kind, gentle way.  I love my Savior - so much.  I always would say to my friends and family when I would talk about Focus, "If God just meets me there and I am able to know him more and love him more deeply, then my time there will be worth it."  And he did that  - and so much more.  I am so thankful.

Now I am dealing with a whole other season that was entirely different than my experience at Focus.  Remember that restless heart that I talked about a long time ago?  It's back!  I'm home with my parents and doing school all day long, every day.  I am so glad that I get to - it's what's making it possible for me to graduate on time.  But I just spent the most amazing semester learning so much about the world and feeling like I was being equipped to go and make a difference, and here I am, at home, in my room.

My question that I bring to the Lord today and every other day, is "Lord - how do I make a difference today?  What does that look like?"  I am desperately trying to figure out how to be a world changer in the mundane things - in every day life.  I can't always be on the front-lines, sometimes I may just be called to prepare for the front lines, or pray for those on the front lines.  I am still trying to figure out what this looks like.

I praise God again and again for what he did in my heart at the Institute.  Now my question is - what now Lord?  And as he seemed to say to me a lot last semester, he seems to be saying to me now - "Stay, Becky.  Just stay."  I get so restless so quickly.  O Lord - this heart will be restless until it finds it's rest in you.

If you read my blog during the semester, thanks for walking a bumpy road with me!  I am now attempting to just be content where I am and see what the Lord is doing.  He is always taking me on some sort of adventure!

the incline

hello friends!

So the other day I did this crazy thing here in Colorado Springs called "the incline."  Sounds pretty impressive, huh?  haha - but if you saw me doing it, you wouldn't be so impressed anymore!  I just have to laugh at myself when I try to be all cool and athletic.  I always end up making people slow down and wait for me and I'm breathing so hard and I feel so gross.  Who am I trying to fool?! :D  It's pretty hilarious.  But nonetheless, I had fun, because I was with two of my really good friends here, Jake and Terry, and even though they are both hugely more athletic than me, they were kind enough to take it slowly with me :)

Here's a picture of us:

Isn't that an amazing view?  But let me tell you something:  you are NOT thinking about the view when you are climbing it.  All you are thinking is "can I make the next 10 steps?"  "Do have what it takes to get to the top of this thing?"  Every now and then, you stop to breath and look behind you, and BOOM!  There's this gorgeous view.  And even though you've been moving at a snail's pace, you realize, "wow!  I actually have made some progress!"

This didn't come to me until a few days later, but it hit me between the eyes.  I believe those moments are from the Lord - because this image struck me so strongly that I almost started to cry in the middle of class (and that's saying a lot, cuz I'm not much of a crier).  Here it is:

Aren't our spiritual lives like the incline?  We start at the bottom of this mountain all excited because we look at we see the destination, then we start climbing.  The further we go, the harder it is, because we realize how out of shape we really are.  There are times when it feels like you can't take one more step and you wonder "have I made ANY progress whatsoever?"  And then you turn around and see - wow, I have gotten somewhere!  

Now I'm gonna pull Terry and Jake into this.  They walked the journey with me.  If it was just me climbing that mountain, I know I would have given up or it would've taken ALOT longer.  But because of their strength, fellowship, and servant hood to help me along the path, I was able to move faster and be stronger.  This represents the Body of Christ to me.  If I have learned anything in my short amount of years, it's the importance of community.  Nothing will make us fall faster as believers than "lone-ranger Christianity."  We need to surround each other, encourage each other, spur each other on, challenge each other, and be strong when others feel weak.  What a beautiful thing true Christian community is!  Oh that more churches would exemplify this to the world.  

I hope this touches your soul the way it did mine.  God is so good - he can turn an afternoon hike into a spiritual parallel that rocks your world!

-Stay-

Hey Ya’ll!

 

Sorry it’s been so long!  So much has been going on in my heart and my mind recently that I feel as though I’ve had (excuse the potty talk – hehe J) mental constipation.  I haven’t really been able to process all that’s been going on in the noodle until now.  So hopefully I am able to express my heart in a clear, concise way that is maybe even a little fun to read too.

 

First of all, here’s a little update on what’s been going on:

 

Last weekend, I had the awesome privilege of attending a Hearts at Home Conference in Bloomington, Illinois.  It’s actually a conference for moms (don’t freak out anyone J) but I got to attend as a sort-of ambassador for Focus on the Family.  For my practicum at the Institute, I work for Dr. Juli Slattery.  She’s written several books, interviews people for Focus broadcasts, and teaches a class at the Institute.  I get to attend interviews that she conducts, read and review books for her, critique the broadcasts she does (eeekkk!  I feel like I don’t have much to offer here, but I’m learning), and traveling to this conference was part of the practicum.  My friend Amy and I stood at the Focus booth all day Friday and Saturday and answered people’s questions about Focus and handed out free resources.  It was a lot of fun – and very tiring!

 

So this week, I’ve been trying to recover from the awesome but draining weekend, doing school and trying to be outside as much possible.  The spring here has been surprisingly warm, so I have been loving doing whatever I can outside.  My most recent outdoor activity that brought my heart so much joy was climbing to the top of a pine tree on top of this ridge on Mount Cuttler here in Colorado Springs.  It was one of the most magnificent experiences I think I have had since I have been here.  Eric Liddel, the famous Christian Scottish runner once said, “When I run, I feel God’s pleasure.”  I know it sounds silly, but when I was perched on top of that tree, I felt God’s pleasure J.  My soul felt like it breathe as I was surrounded by the fragrant pine branches, and looking out at all the beauty around me.  It was so quiet and serene. 

 

Ok – now for what’s been going on in my heart.  Whew!  It’s been a crazy world in there, but I know God is at work, and that makes me so happy.  Psalm 86:11 makes my heart sing because I have been seeing God working this out in my life:

 

Teach me your way, O LORD,

And I will walk in your truth;

Give me an undivided heart,

That I may fear your name.

 

I’ve seen God in the process of working this out in so many ways.  First of all, he’s been showing me a lot of my inadequacies.  I know he’s not doing it to shame me or make me feel bad, but to remind me to depend on him.  Everyday, I am humbled by how easily I stray, and it only pushes me further to his throne because I have nowhere else to go!  I am learning how sufficient he is in my insufficiency.

If you haven’t picked up from my previous posts, this semester has been a major season of “wrestling” for me.  Just wrestling with some big “life” things that I’ve never dealt with before. I have to keep coming back to the truth that God and I are on the same team and he is working for my good and not my harm.  Today in class we looked at the example of Jonah who tried to run away from God’s plan, and yet still ended up in Ninevah in the end.  God’s plan still happened even though Jonah tried to run away.  We also looked at the example of Jacob, who clung to God even in the midst of wrestling.  This is so where I am friends!  I feel like I am trying to hang on for dear life and God and I work on some big things together.  It is so good, but I can get tired very easily.  His strength always comes through when I need it.

 

I would just encourage you – if you an in a place of “wrestling”, whether it be a doctrinal issue, an apologetics issue, a difficult relationship, overcoming an addiction or stronghold, fears, or just trying to understand more of who God is or lies you have believed, stay.  God is doing something big in your heart.  But just like Jacob, cling to Yahweh and wrestle together.  You may come out limping a little, but you will understand more of who you are and more of who God is.  What a beautiful place to be.

Here are some pics!

Amy and I at the Focus on the Family booth at the Hearts at Home Conference

View from the side of the road going up to Mount Cuttler.  Did I mention that I love living here?

Notice the awesome tunnel carved through the mountain.  This picture represents pure peace and serenity to me.  God's creation sings his name!

Two awesome girls, Missy and Sarah, and I.  They are so much fun!

Given More than Beyond Measure

-some of my favorite pictures as of late-

-every morning I wake up and see the rugged beauty of Pike's Peak, the local 14,000 footer-

-these are some of my buds here: Sarah, Jim, and Curtis, they are the bomb-

-Hanging out with Jeremy Camp, his wife (0n his left) and the band at the Focus broadcast studios (I told them I wanted a goofy picture :)

-Jeremy Camp's lovely wife, Adie, in the green shirt.  She used to sing for the Christian rock band, Benjamin Gate -

I'm not gonna lie.  I'm a little overwhelmed right now - on so many levels.  In the last two days, I've gotten to meet James and Shirley Dobson, Christian authors John Trent, Gary Smallie, and Gary Thomas, and music artist Jeremy Camp and his wife Adie.  I'm overwhelmed at the thought that I've gotten to be in the presence of such great Christian leaders, thinkers, and artists.  But more than that, I'm overwhelmed at what God has been doing in my heart.  As I sat in interview after interview today - my Savior seemed to be hitting my heart with meat tenderizer.  I know that sounds terrible, but it's just what I needed.  

I listened to 65 year old Gary Smallie cry out to my generation to let scripture penetrate our hearts and change our lives.  I listened to Dr. Del Tackett plead with our generation to let God's character be the model for our marriages:

"We have to stop looking to other people, like our spouses, to enhance OUR life script.  It's not about us and our script - it's all about experiencing the intimacy that has been being experienced in the Trinity for all eternity - and this cannot be accomplished with the mindset: 'IT'S ALL ABOUT ME!'" - Dr. Del Tackett

I also listened to the heart-breaking tragedy that Jeremy Camp has gone through with losing his first wife and how God has redeemed his life from the pit.  He is married now to Adie and has two beautiful daughters.  

With each subsequent interview and speaker today that I listened too - I kept hearing from my Savior:

"Don't you see, Becky?  Do you hear me now?  I'm not here to harm you - I'm hear to heal you!  Will you let me?  Will you stay in the light and not shrink back and see what wonders I bring to pass in your life? "

My heart literally feels like it is groaning from how it is being stretched.  It sometimes seems to be too much to handle.  But I would be a fool to not listen to the wisdom I heard today, which in a nutshell can be summed up in:

This life is all about Him

We try to make it about so many other things: ourselves, our scripts, gaining God's approval, trying to be a good person, doing the right thing, not getting in too much trouble, having fun, being cool - whatever.  It's all a facade.  The ultimate, most fulfilling goal is him.  Just ask 65 year old best-selling author Gary Smallie.  He'll tell you.  He's tried the good Christian route and it brings him to the broadcast studio and elderly and humble man crying out - "its all about him.  I've tried everything else - and I stand before you today say, it's still all about him."

I know this may not make any sense.  It's ok if it doesn't.  This is kind of just helping me process all that God is doing in my stubborn heart.  Thanks for bearing with me.

The truth is - I've already been given more than beyond measure.  Christ has already paid it all - if only I would just stop striving and let him use me as a vessel.  

I need to stop - I'm so rambling right now.  I just wish all of you could feel what I feel right now - total and utter awe of the worth of Christ and pursuing my life in him.  

My Friends

Hi guys!

I've been thinking about friendship a lot recently.  Good friends are really hard to find, no?  Somehow, and for some reason, God has blessed me with the most amazing friends and I am pretty much in awe of His grace for that.  I have friends that build me up, admonish me, and (gasp!) even love me enough to point out sin in my life.  I just wanted to use this space to honor them and let the world (haha!) know what I love about my friends.

This is Ally - and she's pretty much the bomb.  We became roomies freshman year after we both had had a not-so-fun roommate experience.  Since then, we have been really good friends.  She is everything that I am not: super disciplined, an oldest child, very structured, blunt, and witty.  I admire her so much and appreciate how when we hang out, our opposite personalities balance out.  

This is my beautiful sister Heather that I admire so much.  She is one of the best wives and mothers that I have ever met - I have so much to learn from her example.  Whenever we get together, it's like no time has passed.  I appreciate how I can be totally goofy around her and she feels the same.  She has gone through some really tough stuff recently, but she hasn't let it harden her heart or get bitter.  She only lets her hardships draw her closer to the heart of God.  I love her so much!

Chelsea!  How did I get blessed with a friend like this?  This girl is going to change the world someday, I am convinced.  She is so beautiful, spunky, athletic, and fun.  Her heart for God and passion for life are contagious.  I probably laugh harder with this girl than anyone I know.  

Dani (Dinksly)!  She is pretty much awesome - and she has impacted my life in so many ways.  Her heart for Jesus and passion for His Kingdom is something that I admire so much in her.  She always encourages me to not hide the testimony that God has given me.  She is so bold in her faith - and SO much fun.  This picture perfectly represents our personalities = goofy :)  

This girl means so much to me.  Hannah (I call her Campy) represents so much of what I desire my life to look like.  Her quiet spirit and steadfast perseverance are more of a testimony than she knows.  Everything about Campy speaks gentleness and grace.  Thanks Campy for your friendship and Christ-like love.  It really speaks to my heart.

Wow.  That's what comes to my mind when I see this dynamite couple.  It would be hard for me to put into words the impact that Mark and Ashley Baker have made in my life.  From my deep Jonathan-David type friendship with Ashley, to having the privilege of watching God write their love story, this couple exemplifies what true friendship and love really mean.  They are not afraid to speak truth into my life, even when it hurts.  They know the life-changing love of Jesus and it is reflected in everything they do.  Thank you Bakers for how you have let Christ use you to change me.

My heart and life are so full with these beautiful friendships - I am so undeserving!  And there are so many more lovely friends that I wish I could put up here.  They remind me everyday that Christ's love is shown so sweetly in the context of friendship.  Thanks guys :)

Restless Heart

Hey folks!

Time is chugging away quickly here in Colorado Springs - a little too quickly for my taste :).  I am loving it so much (I'm sure that you picked up on that already!) and just savoring the people, the place, and all the amazing experiences that God has so lovingly and gently placed in my lap at just the right time.  His timing is so impeccable - and I'm learning to trust that what he has for me is truly what is best for me.  I'm not sure why that (trusting HIM) has been so hard for me - I guess that whole dumb human desire for control thing!  

Before I proceed into my musings, I want to post some pics of an ahhhh--mazing Valentines dinner that all the FFI boys threw for all of us FFI girls.  They made us feel so cherished - because the whole night was about how God sees us as women.  If any FFI guy reads this, please take this as a sincere thanks.  You have no idea how you touched this heart.  Christ was truly shown in your actions.

Here are the pics!

My table with our two great "waiters" - Jacob and Ben

The guys from my apartment complex (alpha) led us in a beautiful worship song

Cam (the guy with the guitar) wrote a song that some of the guys performed called "Let's Just be Friends" -hehe!

Here the guys are singing "My Girl" to all of us girls :)

Me and my awesome roomie, Sarah.  We have all our adventures together.  She is kind enough to join me on all my spontaneous activities: last minute runs to Starbucks, singing Taylor Swift at the top of our lungs, and sledding, hiking, or biking - whatever we want :)

Callie Grace is a great source of truth, encouragement and wisdom here.  God has used her in my life in countless ways to speak truth and remind me who I am.  Thanks Callie Grace!

Apartment 1021 - we are a pretty tight bunch!  You can tell by the fact that we color coordinate!

I read a quote from Saint Augustine the other day:

"You have made us for Yourself, Oh God, and our hearts are restless until they find 

their rest in You."

My heart breathes a sigh of complete knowing when I read this quote.  This is so where I am!  I was talking to three friends the other day (on the way back from the Pike's Peak Summit - woohoo!) about this very thing.  We were kinda projecting forward and imagining how our lives would go in the next 5-10 years.  My heart gets so excited at the thought of what God has in store - who knows?  But there is one thing I know pretty for sure:

I still have a year and a half left of school.

"But Becky, time flies, girl!  Don't rush things!  Just enjoy the moment - soak it all up.  You'll never have your college years back!"

I wish I felt the same.

When I look ahead at another year and a half of school left at Bryan, the thought really exhausts me.  I think of writing twenty page papers, reading 1,000 page commentaries, and hearing endless perspectives on inspiration, predestination, illumination, or whatever it may be.  I know this sounds so cynical.  God has blessed me so much with the opportunity to get an education, and so many people would love to have this.  It's not the education.  It's me.  I have a restless heart.

When I read this quote, I realized something.  I long for adventure, for experience, for meeting new people and doing new things.  Kind of what I'm doing right now.  But the rest of my life can't entail jetting off to a summer in Slovakia, or spending semesters in Colorado.  At some point, I'm going to need to settle down, stay in one place, and learn to cultivate faithfulness where I am.  This scares me - but I think this comes back to the trust issue again.  Do I trust that God - the source of all love, experience, friendship, everything, is enough to satisfy me wherever I am?  Will I allow this restless heart to rest in him?  

God is so sweet in every way.  He brought me here, which is one of the biggest, most precious gifts I could ever ask for.  I am learning (like I said earlier) that he is so worthy of my full affections, trust, and heart.  I am praying that he takes this restless heart and shows me that it can rest in the huge adventure of knowing Him.  

A Shout out to Dads

haha - I doubt many (if any) fathers read this blog, besides my own, but even then it is worth saying it for his ears, because what I'm about to say totally applies to him in every way.

Yesterday I was at Target, and when I left, I saw the cutest thing.  It was a dad and his small son walking to the car.  I imagine the man's wife had sent him to get something for her, and he decided to take his son with him.   They were just talking, having man time, and it was so cute.

On the flip side, a few months ago I was in the Huston airport, and I saw something that broke my heart.  I was by myself - so this warranted a little people watching. I was eating lunch in the food court.  To my left was a father and his 12-14 year old son eating lunch.  They were obviously in transit somewhere.  It would have been a perfect time for the father and the son to talk, to just catch up on life and hang out, but the father was continually distracted by his Blackberry.  The son would try to start a conversation, but the father would just say one word, then look at his Blackberry again.  Oh what this fast paced world has done to families!  Gone are the days of fishing leisurely on a Saturday afternoon, a dad working with his son in the workshop - imparting wisdom.  We are often far too distracted by sports, Blackberries, internet, etc.  

BUT...this post is not meant to point out the woes of modern society.  I just say what I did above to point out how the way society has turned breaks my heart.  I'm such a family-lover to the core, that when I see families torn apart by technology, business, or anything, it literally breaks my heart.  What I do want to do is say a huge THANK YOU to dads out there that are faithfully raising their kids with love, firmness, leadership, and diligence.  I feel like TV ads, movies, and shows often hail the wonders of a good mom, and well they should, but always show the father to be a doofus.  What a tragedy!  That is what I'm learning is called "the feminization of culture."  We've forgotten what a strong father figure looks like.  Thank you fathers who go to God's Word for strength when you feel week, who beg God to to teach you how to be a godly father, who intentionally spend time with your kids, and turn off your Blackberries at the dinner table.  You have no idea what a difference you are making! 

 I say this because I had the privilege of growing up with a father of excellence.  He taught me so much.  He taught me to play guitar, counseled me with me when life was hard, took me on breakfast dates every week, was very strong, but not afraid to be vulnerable when he knew I needed it.  He sometimes said hard things because he saw my potential when I didn't.  There is so many more things my dad did - but suffice it to say, he is awesome.  He looks to God to show him how to be a great father and husband, and I respect that so much.

I will just  close with saying it again: THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU dads (especially my dad) for what you do.  You have so much power that maybe goes unmentioned - and when you use that for your families and God's glory, it is one of the most honorable things ever.  Our culture makes being a good dad so hard, but thank you for persevering.  Christ is shown in you!

Jesus, teach me how to love

More pictures (and a video...whoa :)

Me and Sarah on a break in class

I'm learning how to be a guilt-free mother lol!  This book is actually written by Dr. Slattery, the woman I'm interning for.  It's actually really good :)

Also during a break in class - notice the signs that say "Soli Deo Gloria!"  What a great reminder that all that we learn is for the glory of God alone.

What we do all the time - read :D  Isn't the apt. cute?

Sometimes we like to get comfy when we read...but then we usually fall asleep

Happy one week anniversary of knowing each other to me and my roomies (this was actually a week ago, so now we've known each other for two whole weeks!)!  We had cupcakes and share time...wow, we are such girls.

This post will be short - because I'm feeling slightly ADD right now :).  Probably because I have been sitting in class and trying to drink out of the fire-hose of knowledge.  I just want to say, I've been learning so much about what love really means since being here at Focus.  God has sort of been taking me on a journey - how am I supposed to know what it means to love if I don't understand God's love?

The Lord led me to 1 Corinthians 13 the other day, and had been go through each attribute of love write down what it looks like to practice that in my life towards my friends and family.    It then dawned on me that God is love, so each attribute that is mentioned is who God is.  It really struck me.  I fall so short of His character and his love - I realize how selfish I am.  I guess what I'm asking of the Lord is that he would use me as a vessel for His love, because I can't conjure up this kind of love in my heart.  

Oh man.  So many lessons - for anyone who reads my blog  regularly, thank you for going on this journey with me :).  So much truth is being poured into me right now, I'm a little overwhelmed.  But I hope that what I'm learning is some encouragement to you!

A Beautiful Battle

Before I get into the "meat", can I just show you some thing that make me happy?

This is a beautiful print that I saw at Starbucks.  I think it is so meaningful too, especially for my time here.  I asked if it was for sale, but it's not :(  I think I'm going to buy a canvas and attempt to recreate it.  Sorry it's sideways!

This picture just brings joy to my being :)  Little Christian Slattery (the son of the woman I'm working for in for my internship) playing video games with big 6'8" Stewart, a fellow Institute student.  The height difference can be distracting, but the look of determination on their face is the same.  

The view from my local Starbucks (what?!)

Heaven: Bible, journal, and coffee :)

More heaven: chocolate chip banana bread, more chocolate, and coffee (ok - i just love that mug :)  Sorry Chels, I bought another mug)

I'm learning what a Good Father and what a Good Teacher I serve.  He never fails to gently point out rough patches in my heart that need smoothing.  He's been pulling out all the stops recently: teaching me and speaking to me through people, conversations with friends, His Word, sermons, classes, everything.  His voice has never been more clear to me - maybe it's the altitude (sorry - totally a joke - is that heresy?).

Before I proceed, can I just say...I hate sin.  It is so annoying.  But sin is much more than just super annoying.  It has the power to produce grooves in our hearts that make the sin patterns so much easier to fall into the more that we do them.  Sin is a very ugly, and a very powerful thing.  I've realized (in the past year) how easy it is to fall into sin when I am not listening to the Lord.  I resound so passionately with Paul when he says,  

21So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me.22For in my inner being I delight in God's law; 23but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. 24What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? 25Thanks be to God—through Jesus Christ our Lord! 

       So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God's law, but in the sinful nature a slave to the law of sin. (Romans 7:21-25)

This is what I call "The Beautiful Battle".  Fighting the lure of sin and learning how to see the beauty of holiness is one of the hardest, yet most worth-while battles we can fight.  Believe me, I'm not sermonizing (or if I am, it's to myself!).  This is a very personal battle for me, one which I fight everyday.  Sometimes falling into the rut of sin seems so much easier, especially when I feel tired of fighting my flesh.  But my Savior continues to re-enforce me and give me strength to keep fighting.  

This battle became very real for me last year.  I kept falling into the same ruts of sin over and over again because I wasn't intentionally fighting or listening to the Lord.  This season of my life is a time of training.  A time when I, like a little toddler, am holding onto my Father's hand, and relying on him for the next step.  It's a continual choice I have to make to keep holding onto his hand and not wander off on my own.  Like the hymn says:

"Prone to wander, Lord I feel it!  Prone to leave the God I love!  Take my heart and seal it - seal it for thy courts above."

This is my Beautiful Battle.  A battle that I often feel too weak to fight.  But I praise God for beautiful Jesus who takes the sword and fights for me when I feel weak.

Base Camp Retreat

I don't think that my posts will normally be this frequent, but I'm just so excited and so much is happening that I cannot contain myself!  

So on Friday, the whole group of 76 students and all the faculty and staff of FFI went up to Horn Creek Ranch (a conference and retreat center) in the Rockies.  It was so beautiful!  On the way there, we had a blast on the bus.  Callie (my lovely roomie and friend) taught us this fun word association game.  Basically, it starts with one person saying a word, and then the next person has to say that word and the next word that comes to their mind.  It was HILARIOUS and it passed the time. Here was our final outcome:

cat; mouse; fur; whiskers; white; snow; ball; fight; club; organization; tidy; Rubbermaid; Ziploc; air; plane; crash; Hudson river; New York City; mets; museum; boring; school work; procrastinate; tomorrow; day; night; light; bright; sun; day; lunch; church; potluck; old lady desserts; yummy; apple; pie; ice cream; cold; mountains; Rockies; road; kill; axe; murder; bunnies; cotton tail; Kleenex; sneeze; bless you; Jesus; nature; squirrel; Alvin; chipmunk; trouble!

Whew!  I just thought the "old lady desserts" was hilarious.  What a fun group of people :)

When we got to the retreat center we engaged in an all-out snow ball fight in which I realized I have no throwing talent.  It was really funny because there was absolutely no sides or strategy going on, we were just kind of throwing at whoever we could.  I would like run at someone and then throw it, which is really lame, but it's the only way that I could hit someone!  

After that, we ate lunch in the lodge (which was so beautiful!).  I automatically loved the place because there was a fire place on the top and the bottom level.  

I guess it would be exhausting to go into all the details of the whole retreat, but here's the gist.  The first day we did these really cool team building games and they really helped us get to know each other and see who emerged as the sort of "leaders" and "followers".  It was really neat, because they kept reminding us that we are really not in competition while we are here.  They told us that by virtue (since most of us our leaders of some sort), we are used to fighting for a spot.  They encouraged us to leave that mentality behind and to work as a team for our goals.  

Yesterday, we also were in groups again and did a cool activity called "winter survival" where we as a group had to rank 12 items in a list of most important to least important if we were stranded in the wilderness in -25 degree weather.  It got pretty interesting! You'll  be happy to know that I am alive!  Here's a little tid-bit that I think is funny/interesting: if you are stuck outside in the cold, don't drink whiskey - it won't warm you up, it will basically freeze your heart.  Scary!

After that we gave testimonies on how we got to Focus.  That was the most amazing time.  To hear everyone's individual story of how God orchestrated events in their lives to get them here is nothing short of awesome.  We worship a Sovereign God that works all events for good in the lives of those who love Him.

We also went on a hike yesterday, which I can't decided yet if I had fun.  :D  We were at 10,000 feet altitude, so I was breathing really heavy and getting hot, and dropping stuff, and it was a mess!  But I want to like hiking so bad!  So I am bound and determined to hike as much as I can while I am here, because I just think that hiking is one of the coolest things ever, if your not dying of wet feet, no oxygen, and trying to keep up.  

I think the biggest thing I learned this weekend is how God is glorified in our weaknesses.  There was one day that I was just so frustrated with myself and how easily distracted I am from the Lord.  I just was praying that God would give me tunnel vision for Him and that he would just change my heart.  That same day, God brought so many people into my life who either encouraged me or told me they were having the same problem.  It's so neat how this group has been together for only 5 days, and yet, people are so willing to be authentic with each other.  I've never seen anything like it before.

Here are some snaps from the weekend!

Jake and Ben with their "cool kid" faces.  These are also the two gentlemen that are helping me and my roomies understand The Abolition of Man by C.S. Lewis.  Heady stuff!

I guess the hike was totally worth it for this snap.  

These were my two hiking buddies: Kristen and Callie.  What sweet girls!

Two cool kats, Curtis and Jim.  They were also part of our "word association game" :)

Oh, and I told them to look goofy for this pic.  

I just loved Callie's shirt!  She has such cool style!

Soli Deo Gloria - to God be the all the Glory!

So...I am finally at Focus on the Family!  And all I can say is...wow.  Soli Deo Gloria is the Institute's motto, and those are the very words that come to mind when I think about my journey to Focus and my experience here so far.  I feel so undeserving of this experiencing and to be in the company of the amazing young people that are here (I so feel like that with my Bryan friends too).  I'm kind of speechless right now - I just know that God is at work in this place and the people here.  I'm on the adventure of a lifetime.  So to make up for my lack of words, I will share some pictures that somewhat demonstrate my short time here so far.

My and my roomies!  L-R: Ashley, me, Sarah, and Callie

A big ol' group of "Focusers" - as I like to call them :)

I love this!  Garden of the Gods at Twilight

Me and my roomie Callie being goofy in our arctic hats - we were in Hobby Lobby lol :)

There are MANY more pictures already, but for some reason, blogger takes forever to upload pics.  Anyway, just thought I would give a sample!  

Oh I just have to tell one funny story.  Actually two.  I just want to say - I am making such a smashing impression here at Focus on the Family Institute :) (said in a sarcastic tone!).  First, we have these security badges that we have to wear at all times when we are in the Focus headquarters (where our classes are) so that they know we are not intruders.  Of course, first day of orientation comes, me and my roomies go rushing off to class, and guess what?!  I forgot my badge.  Ryan, one of the staff guys, was kind enough to let me through without my badge.  We had walked to class, so there was no "rushing back to the apartment" to get it.  Well - here's the icing.  All 76  students are gathered in the classroom, all excited to learn and glean, and then they made all the students who forgot their badge raise their hand!  So you guessed it - yours truly, along with ONE other student raised her hand.  hehe - oh well.  I sure didn't forget my badge today!

Then today - ok, I just have to say, this is classic and will go down in the annals of Becky Embarrassing Moments - but to me it is so funny!  Me and my friend Dani at Bryan have this weird tradition of applying Vanilla Bean Noel hand lotion in the middle of class, I guess it's like a little board habit.  So in the middle of our security briefing today, I'm sitting in class hearing about the robbery rate in Colorado Springs, and so out comes the Vanilla Bean.  

SPLUUUCHAT!!!! 

(that's an exploding lotion sound).  Yes.  My lotion exploded.  And it's effects were far-reaching.  I ended up with a HUGE pile of lotion in my hand, it got all over my sweater, purse, the floor, just...everywhere.  According to the girl next to me, I muttered, "that did not just happen."  I was SO mortified!  The two girls next to me got attacked by the giggles and just couldn't stop, I'm trying to recover my rubbing lotion on my arms, hands, anywhere there is exposed skin.  Trying desperately NOT to draw attention to myself or distract from what the nice security lady is saying.  

And the fragrance of Vanilla Bean Noel wafted through the classroom for all 76 students to enjoy.

Like I said...smashing impression!