Sorry it’s been so long! So much has been going on in my heart and my mind recently that I feel as though I’ve had (excuse the potty talk – hehe J) mental constipation. I haven’t really been able to process all that’s been going on in the noodle until now. So hopefully I am able to express my heart in a clear, concise way that is maybe even a little fun to read too.
First of all, here’s a little update on what’s been going on:
Last weekend, I had the awesome privilege of attending a Hearts at Home Conference in Bloomington, Illinois. It’s actually a conference for moms (don’t freak out anyone J) but I got to attend as a sort-of ambassador for Focus on the Family. For my practicum at the Institute, I work for Dr. Juli Slattery. She’s written several books, interviews people for Focus broadcasts, and teaches a class at the Institute. I get to attend interviews that she conducts, read and review books for her, critique the broadcasts she does (eeekkk! I feel like I don’t have much to offer here, but I’m learning), and traveling to this conference was part of the practicum. My friend Amy and I stood at the Focus booth all day Friday and Saturday and answered people’s questions about Focus and handed out free resources. It was a lot of fun – and very tiring!
So this week, I’ve been trying to recover from the awesome but draining weekend, doing school and trying to be outside as much possible. The spring here has been surprisingly warm, so I have been loving doing whatever I can outside. My most recent outdoor activity that brought my heart so much joy was climbing to the top of a pine tree on top of this ridge on Mount Cuttler here in Colorado Springs. It was one of the most magnificent experiences I think I have had since I have been here. Eric Liddel, the famous Christian Scottish runner once said, “When I run, I feel God’s pleasure.” I know it sounds silly, but when I was perched on top of that tree, I felt God’s pleasure J. My soul felt like it breathe as I was surrounded by the fragrant pine branches, and looking out at all the beauty around me. It was so quiet and serene.
Ok – now for what’s been going on in my heart. Whew! It’s been a crazy world in there, but I know God is at work, and that makes me so happy. Psalm 86:11 makes my heart sing because I have been seeing God working this out in my life:
Teach me your way, O LORD,
And I will walk in your truth;
Give me an undivided heart,
That I may fear your name.
I’ve seen God in the process of working this out in so many ways. First of all, he’s been showing me a lot of my inadequacies. I know he’s not doing it to shame me or make me feel bad, but to remind me to depend on him. Everyday, I am humbled by how easily I stray, and it only pushes me further to his throne because I have nowhere else to go! I am learning how sufficient he is in my insufficiency.
If you haven’t picked up from my previous posts, this semester has been a major season of “wrestling” for me. Just wrestling with some big “life” things that I’ve never dealt with before. I have to keep coming back to the truth that God and I are on the same team and he is working for my good and not my harm. Today in class we looked at the example of Jonah who tried to run away from God’s plan, and yet still ended up in Ninevah in the end. God’s plan still happened even though Jonah tried to run away. We also looked at the example of Jacob, who clung to God even in the midst of wrestling. This is so where I am friends! I feel like I am trying to hang on for dear life and God and I work on some big things together. It is so good, but I can get tired very easily. His strength always comes through when I need it.
I would just encourage you – if you an in a place of “wrestling”, whether it be a doctrinal issue, an apologetics issue, a difficult relationship, overcoming an addiction or stronghold, fears, or just trying to understand more of who God is or lies you have believed, stay. God is doing something big in your heart. But just like Jacob, cling to Yahweh and wrestle together. You may come out limping a little, but you will understand more of who you are and more of who God is. What a beautiful place to be.
